


good god I know its dangerous (but it's you that I need)

by Itty_Bitty_Blondie



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Boys Being Idiots, Canon Compliant, Episode: s02e06 Dosed, First Time, Hand Jobs, M/M, Mutual Pining, Sort of? - Freeform, sex while high, they're both super into it though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-22
Updated: 2020-02-22
Packaged: 2021-02-28 10:53:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22848958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Itty_Bitty_Blondie/pseuds/Itty_Bitty_Blondie
Summary: I’m okay.” Eddie insists after a long pause.Buck waits, knowing instinctively that there is more to come.Eddie sighs, tilting inwards slightly until their shoulders are pressed together tightly. When he speaks, his voice sounds just a little raw. “Alright man, no I’m not. Are you? Is anyone? What kind of a question is that.”...Buck gives Eddie a place to stay while they recover from the acid brownies.It changes everything and nothing.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 12
Kudos: 294





	good god I know its dangerous (but it's you that I need)

**Author's Note:**

> Sooooo I finally caved and binged all of 911 in about a week and couldn't get these boys out of my head. 
> 
> This is based on a tumblr post I can no longer find about them sleeping together while high in Dosed and how that fits into canon.
> 
> General warning they have sex while high, but everyone involved is consenting the whole time. Also, Buck is technically still with Abby, but because their relationship is open at this point I'm not classing this as infidelity. 
> 
> I have never tripped on acid brownies so this might be wildly inaccurate 🤷
> 
> The title is from What Have I Done by Dermot Kennedy AKA literally this fic in song form.

“I’m gonna take a walk, shake my legs out” Eddie announces, pushing up from the couch with a small, tense smile.

Maybe it isn’t tense, maybe Buck is projecting his own restlessness outwards. He watches as Eddie descends down the stairs, unable to stop himself from appreciating the way his shirt stretches out across his shoulders. 

“Should we let him wander off on his own?” Chim asks. He is slumped on the couch opposite, Hen spaced out and sprawled against his left side. They hold eye contact for a second before Buck groans and stumbles to his feet.

“I’m not sure I should be the responsible adult in this situation,” Chim pulls a face and waves his free arm at Hen. “Alright, Alright. I’m going.” Buck shakes his head as he heads after Eddie, past the ladder truck and out into the cold evening. 

They’ve run into some unusual situations in the years he has worked at the 118, but turning up to a call high on acid is next level. Buck seems to be weathering it slightly better than Hen or Eddie though so he feels justified in trying to help poor Chim out a bit. 

The outside of the firehouse is well lit, so it doesn’t take too long for Buck to spot Eddie. His long body is leaning against the wall a few feet in front of him. Eddie smiles when they make eye contact, but it doesn’t quite meet his eyes. 

“It’s cute that you’re following me.” 

“Who says I’m following you, man?” Buck retorts, though he makes no effort to keep up the pretence. He’s pretty transparent. 

This time Eddie smiles for real. “You okay?” 

“I think that’s my line buddy.” He joins Eddie against the wall, tipping his head back to stare at the sky. There are no stars of course, not in LA, but the air is crisp and the night is quiet. 

“I’m okay.” Eddie insists after a long pause. 

Buck waits, knowing instinctively that there is more to come. 

Eddie sighs, tilting inwards slightly until their shoulders are pressed together tightly. When he speaks, his voice sounds just a little raw. “Alright man, no I’m not. Are you? Is anyone? What kind of a question is that.” 

Buck manages not to wince, but only just. “I’m okay. Well, acid trip okay. What’s going on, man?” He turns his body, so all of his attention is focused on the man next to him. 

“Nothing, man.” Eddie shrugs avoiding his gaze. “Do you want to get out of here?”

Buck thinks about it for a long moment. They should probably head back inside, Chim will be waiting for them, and the hospital had been pretty clear that they should stay in a safe space until they all came down from the high. But then they hadn’t made any kind of concrete plans, and Chim would probably appreciate reducing the number of high co-workers he has to manage from three to one. 

“Technically we’re already out.” Buck says. 

“I want to make some kind of pun, but my brain is too foggy.” Eddie says after a couple of seconds which – Buck wants to come back to that one later when he can feel his face – but he leaves it for now. Eddie smiles slow and sweet, broken wide open. It pulls at something in Buck that no one other than Abby has been able to reach before now. The comparison sits uncomfortably in his mind. Anything too close to Abby has been doing that lately. 

“I should go home.” Eddie says, finally. He doesn’t say _I should go home alone,_ so Buck finds himself hanging on for something. 

“Shit.” Eddie exclaims. “I completely forgot, Carla, is looking after Christopher tonight. I can’t go back to him like this.” 

Worry creases his brow. Buck wants to reach out and smooth it away, he wants to fix it. Eddie should never have that look on his face. It takes him a moment to realise that he can do something to fix this. 

“Come to mine.” He offers. 

Eddie’s gaze snaps up to meet his. Suddenly the offer feels much heavier than it had before. Too heavy for words. Eddie nods and Buck pulls out his phone, ordering an Uber for them both. He can collect his Jeep tomorrow. 

They wait together in comfortable silence. It remains once they slide into the backseat when the car comes a couple of minutes later. 

“Fuck,” Eddie says slowly once they’re stuck in traffic “You don’t have a spare bed, do you?” 

“It’s fine man.” Buck squints at his watch. “Where else are you going to stay at this point?” 

Eddie hums in agreement. 

“You can stay on the couch.” Buck thinks about it for a moment, eyes scanning the length of his friend. “On second thoughts, you’re way too tall for that dude. We can share the bed.” 

“Yeah. Sounds good.” He says “God, I’m so tired. Talking about sharing a bed makes me want to be in my bed.” 

There is a heat behind the words that makes Buck’s pulse skitter. When he speaks, it catches in his throat. “Yeah that sounds good.” 

“I’m sorry you’re having to deal with an unexpected houseguest.” 

“You don’t really count,” he says “Seriously man, you’re fine.” 

“Yeah I am.” Eddie giggles leaning into Buck’s shoulders. 

Buck laughs, probably harder than he should, but it feels so nice having Eddie so close and unguarded enough to make silly jokes. They settle in quiet, Eddie still resting against his shoulder. The traffic isn’t too terrible this late into the evening, so the drive slips past faster than he’s expecting. 

They exchange pleasantries with the driver as they haul themselves out of the car and Buck makes a mental note to tip the guy well for reading the mood and not attempting to make small talk for the entire ride. 

He feels good, looking at Eddie. It’s easy to lead him upstairs, even easier to manhandle him onto the couch once they’re there. 

“You’re such a lightweight Diaz.” 

“Oh ’cause you’re such a pro” Eddie counters, glaring at him weakly from where he’s slumped. The gentle smile on his lips and the way his hair is flopping across his forehead, counteract any of the heat. 

Buck laughs on the exhale, his chest feels too tight all of a sudden. “Watching you be not perfect might be my favourite thing” 

It’s casually mean in the way that Buck can get if he isn’t thinking too hard. The way that he only gets around people that he trusts, people that he knows he won’t scare off. Eddie is smirking at him, eyes crinkling at the corners and a light blush staining his cheeks. 

“I’m not perfect.” He protests. He reaches an arm out, maybe to push Buck away but it settles against his chest instead. Buck is a tactile guy, he usually has no problem with casual intimacy. Still, for some reason, the moment feels heavy. His gaze traces Eddie’s lips subconsciously. 

Eddie, he realises slowly, is _looking_. His gaze is so heavy that he can almost feel it dragging across his skin. Buck can feel his own body reacting slightly. 

“You’re still really feeling it, huh?” 

Eddie pulls a face, even though Buck wasn’t mocking. Couldn’t mock him right now. “Fuck you. I don’t exactly do…” Eddie waves a hand over them both. 

“You don’t say” Buck smiles at him indulgently “Are you okay? Do you need some water?” 

“I could use, like, a gallon of water,” Eddie says, and it makes Buck laugh, the sound rough in his throat. 

“I will get you a gallon of water then.” Buck says, finally breaking the contact between them as he heads to the kitchen. 

He can hear Eddie stumble to his feet and follow him, but he forcefully stops himself from turning back to look at him. The physical distance is helping to clear his head a little, though probably not as much as it should. 

Buck has barely looked at another person since he met Abby. For all of the flaws of Buck 1.0, he has never been an unfaithful person. Even with Abby having her Eat, Pray, Love experience having sex with someone else felt wrong. He still has eyes though. He’s noticed Eddie more than a couple of times. Not that it mattered, because Eddie is about as straight as a guy gets. Or so Buck thought. 

It feels like _something_ is happening between them. The comfortable familiarity that has been building between them has tipped seamlessly into attraction. If Buck is honest with himself – for him at least – it started long before today. 

The longer Abby has been gone, the harder it is becoming to ignore it. Contact between them is fading. Each time they talk, she feels further away from the woman he knows. At what point does he accept that whatever relationship they may have had is gone? Especially when his heart is starting to pull in another direction. 

He jumps when a hand settles on his shoulder. Eddie is standing right behind him now. Buck can feel the heat of him. He still smells faintly of aftershave. He realises that he’s still standing over the sink, glass held almost under the flow of the faucet, water running uselessly down the drain. 

“Did I lose you for a second there bud?”

“Yeah” Buck agrees, “Maybe I’m still a little more spaced than I thought.” 

Eddie grins at him, and although the lights in the apartment are off, his teeth are a little blinding. Buck can’t look away even when Eddie takes the glass and carefully fills it. He then takes out another glass and does the same thing. Over and over again, until there are six glasses on the side. Buck is enraptured by the water dripping onto his hands, the pull of his shoulders when he reaches forward to shut off the tap. 

“Not quite a gallon, but close enough for both of us.” Eddie gestures to the glasses. 

Buck laughs louder than he should in the quiet of the kitchen. A rush of fondness for the man in front of him takes his breath away. He sees the way that Eddie lights up in response. He watches as Eddie takes a step forward and then another. One large hand coming up to cup his cheek. He’s looking at him, the way that Eddie is always looking at him, but it’s different in close quarters. 

Their noses brush. 

“You sure you know what you’re doing?” He asks, waits with bated breath for the answer. 

“I’m sure.” Eddie says, kissing him. 

Buck huffs out a laugh again, against his mouth, then he’s kissing back. He lets one of his hands slip around Eddie’s neck, and the other around his waist to pull them flush against one another. Eddie controls the pace and pushes him hard against the counter. 

Buck’s lips don’t feel connected to his mouth, or maybe it’s his face that’s floating away from his body. Every single thought, every sensible argument against this truly colossal mistake evaporates with each press of their lips. His brain can’t keep up with the barge of sensations. He alternates between keeping his eyes closed and open, pulling Eddie closer, and then letting them pull apart. When they break for air, Eddied hand is still on his heaving chest. 

“You wanted water, right?” Buck gasps out, fighting to regain control of his breathing. 

“Fuck the water, Buck.” 

“Yeah, okay.” Buck reaches for his wrist and tugs him towards the bedroom. 

He’s thinking about the weight of Eddie’s hands, thinking about how it will feel to have them running across his bare skin. He’s so lightheaded the world spins when Eddie tips him onto the bed. 

He pauses to pull his shirt off over his head – which is a sight Buck _really_ wants to remember – and then he leans over, caging Buck against the bed. He tries to reach for the bedside lamp, but Eddie stops him with a strong arm. 

“You’ve got me at a disadvantage here.” Eddie pulls at the hem of Buck’s shirt. 

“Well then, why don’t you fix that.” Buck leans back into the bed and lets his knees fall apart slightly. Eddie does, urging Buck upwards before pulling the shirt free. He runs open-mouthed kisses across his ribs, each one making Buck keen into him. 

They make out for what feels like hours. All of the frantic energy from before seems to have dissipated entirely. Buck doesn’t think he’s been this PG-13 with someone, and for so long, since high school. He likes the way that it’s making his mind go fizzy at the edges—likes the gentle way that Eddie is cupping his face. 

It can’t last forever, though. Eventually, he finds himself pressing upwards into the meat of Eddie’s thigh. “Fuck” he gasps, which is about as eloquent as he can be expected to be at the moment. His brain is completely blank, entirely overtaken by the man on top of him. 

“You can if you want?” Eddie looks up at him, eyes dark and hair a mess “I haven’t done it in ages, but I liked it.” 

_Fuck._ There goes any question of Eddie’s straightness. Buck wants to, he really, really does, but he also feels a little bit like he might fall apart before they get anywhere close. 

“Won’t last that long” He mumbles against Eddie’s chest, who looks up at him with surprise, and more than a little humour in his eyes. 

“That right?” He presses a thigh purposefully between Buck’s legs. He groans and tips his head back against the bed, grinding up into the delicious pressure. 

“You’re fucking gorgeous. I want you so much.” Eddie moves back, far enough to get his hands on Buck’s belt, fingers fumbling at the fly. He presses more kisses against his hips and it feels so good that Buck loses himself for a moment. He can feel each thread of the bed underneath him, each breath against his skin. It’s all amazing. He can’t remember the last time he felt this good. 

“You’re really feeling it, huh?” Eddie asks from above him. He’s lost his pants at some point so now they are pressed together, skin to skin. “You’re so hot, Buck.” 

“I ugh –“he groans as Eddie presses kisses to his throat “I knew you only wanted me for my body.” 

“That’s a load of shit, you know.” The harshness of Eddie’s words is softened by the press of his lips immediately after, against his lips and then trailing across his cheek, down his neck. 

“Are you trying to drive me insane.” Buck whines, pushing Eddie back with a grin. It’s pretty obvious what he is trying to do by the smirk across his face. 

“Trying to get you to do something,” Eddie says, letting his teeth drag against Buck’s neck. He has to close his eyes to make sure that he doesn’t embarrass himself. 

“Oh, well if that’s all you want.” Buck reaches a hand down between them. 

It’s hard to keep track of the things that happen next, it’s all pretty rapid. He thinks that Eddie groans, the sound ringing deliciously in his ear. He also bites down on Buck’s neck again. Buck can’t remember the last time that he was this desperately hard, he’s fighting against the urge to rut upwards, to search for some kind of friction. He could just thrust into Eddie’s hip, again and again until he comes in between them like a teenager. He wants to be better than that, though. He wants to make Eddie fall apart, to watch him lose control. He starts to pump his hand experimentally, cataloguing all of the different reactions. He thinks Eddie’s mouth opens, he says “fuck– Buck” voice cracking into a whine when he rubs a thumb over the tip, but—maybe it happens differently. He can’t think clearly, can only flip them over when Eddie wraps a leg around Buck’s waist, press the length of them together in a delicious slide of heat and slick. 

“Shit.” Eddie exhales shakily, rutting forwards into him. He can’t believe the sounds that he’s making. Then he moves, and Buck is the one pressing forwards into Eddie’s fist, and it’s so fucking good that he thinks he might die. 

“Your dick is so pretty.” Eddie groans into his ear “I knew it would be, feels so good in my hand Buck.” 

Buck can hear himself whining, but he doesn’t have any control over the sounds that he’s making. He can’t believe that the sounds are coming from him, groaning and twisting in on himself, core muscles tightening as Eddie jacks him off— _Eddie is jacking him off—_ and Eddie is moaning too, breath making his chest heave, and thrusting artlessly, just as desperate as Buck feels. 

“I want—” Buck has no idea how to encompass all of the things he wants in words. There are too many possibilities and not enough words to do it justice. 

“Whatever you want, Buck, whatever you want.” 

It’s a promise Eddie will never be able to keep—the things that Buck wants, he can’t even let himself want them, none of them are what Eddie would want. The sentiment still gets him, tightens his chest and makes something burn behind his eyes. 

He shuts his eyes tightly against the burn, redoubles his effort to bring Eddie off. “I want to watch you come.”—It’s close enough to the truth even if it isn’t all of it. 

He speeds up his movements, finds Eddie’s hand and together they continue to work on the both of them. It’s one of the hottest experiences of his life, watching the feedback on Eddie’s face when he tightens his fist, feeling the reaction against his stomach. It lacks any grace or finesse, a little too dry, a bit rough, but that makes it hotter. 

Watching Eddie – perfect, controlled Eddie – fall apart at his touch, in his arms is almost more than he can take. He’s so close, control fraying with each open-mouthed kiss, but he wants Eddie to come first, wants to feel it as he does. 

There are words on his tongue, fighting to get free—about how much he’s wanted this, about how he thinks he’s always going to—but it’s too much, too heavy for this moment. He grits his teeth and forces himself to swallow them. 

His teeth stay clamped together until Eddie’s moans get louder, more desperate. Until he pulls Buck in closer, close enough to whisper “I think I’m going to…” 

“Oh…” Buck lets out in a rush “Yes, Eddie, please just—yeah.” 

Eddie swipes a thumb over the head of his dick and its almost too much. The knowledge that this is enough, that Eddie is so into this shoots down his spine like lightning. He tightens his own fist, determined not to come first. 

He catches his thumb under the head of Eddie’s dick and Eddie curls forward, burying his nose against Buck’s neck as he comes, wet and messy all over his own chest. Buck eases him through it, savouring each gasp and twitch of his muscles. Eddie’s eyes are blown wide as he leans up to press their mouths together – he can’t tell if it’s from the sex or the brownies, either way, it’s enough that he almost comes right there.

He waits until Eddie regains enough of himself to tighten his fingers where they stayed around Buck’s dick. It doesn’t take more than a couple of thrusts before he is spilling over Eddie’s chest too, come mixing together. 

Buck cleans his hand on the sheet next to him, then falls into bed at Eddie’s side. 

Eddie is almost asleep, he grunts as he pulls them close, scooting both of their legs under the warmth of the comforter. Buck takes a moment to look at him, resting next to him before allowing Eddie to pull him into an embrace. Buck takes a long moment to appreciate the warmth and security before letting sleep pull him under. 

… 

Buck wakes with a warm weight at his back. The room is filled with a pale light – he forgot to close the curtains the night before. It’s so unlike Abby. The confusion means that it takes him a minute to realise that the warmth at his back, the arm crooked over his side and trailing across his stomach isn’t Abby’s. 

Eddie is holding him close, legs intertwined. Buck can feel his skin, hot against his own because – right – neither of them are wearing any clothes. The memory of the night before comes back all at once and the soft warmth that he had been shrouded in when he woke turned sour. 

Because Buck slept with Eddie last night. 

His heart is jackrabbiting in his chest. The wind seems to have picked up, or maybe Buck’s ears are ringing a little. He blinks dazed. 

He has no idea what to do now. Mostly he wants to sink back into Eddie’s embrace and sleep. He’s warm and safe- still a little sleep hazy and he knows suddenly, achingly just how much he wants to keep this feeling—to have it all the time. 

He wants it too much. He has tried so hard not to think about what it would be like to have this, but he has it now. He could get used to it so easily, and that would be wrong. Eddie means more to him than a couple of rounds to blow off some steam. He has become essential is such a short period of time. He can’t risk losing Eddie – or Christopher – over his inability to control his feelings. 

This is a one-off—he can’t quite call it a mistake, even now. There isn’t room for it to be any more than that. Decision made. 

Which is, of course, the point that Eddie stirs. 

He must be disorientated because as his breathing shifts, Eddie curls in closer. The arm around his waist shifts to rub along his bare hip, while a nose skims the back of Buck’s neck. Eddie inhales deeply and says “Mhmm… hey” gravely and indistinct in a way that makes heat pool in Buck’s stomach, he has to suppress a full-body shiver at the influx of sensations. He catalogues each one of them, counting down the seconds until Eddie stiffens, he shifts slightly, putting an inch of space between their bodies, hand still poised on his hip. “Hey,” he says again, slightly louder. “What’s the time?” 

Buck shrugs “Dunno” The movement brushes his shoulder against Eddie’s chest. 

They both wait in silence for a couple of seconds. It isn’t awkward—not yet anyway, and Buck desperately wants to keep it that way. 

“I haven’t slept that well in…” Eddie trails off. 

“Might have something to do with the acid brownies.” 

He feels the huff of Eddie’s laugh against the back of his neck. “Yeah, I think that mighta had something to do with it. You’re pretty warm, though.” 

“Knew I was good for something.” 

Eddie hums. Buck’s heart is beating out of his chest, he’s a little worried that Eddie can hear it. He feels a bit like he’s drifting away. There is a static under his skin that’s making it hard to focus. 

“At least you didn’t hog the covers.” Buck tries, clearing his throat a little. He struggles to get the words out to keep his voice steady. He wants to sink backwards, to feel what it is like to be present in this moment, almost lets himself.

From the tangle of clothes on the floor, someone’s phone dings once, then again, and the room falls silent. _Don’t move_ Buck thinks to himself. As if he can hear, Eddie doesn’t. Just tenses up again. His hand is still on Buck’s hip. It’s silly that this one touch should burn like it does when every other hasn’t. 

He wants to reach up, to take Eddie’s hand and pull it back around his waist, pull them flush together and sink into the embrace. He’s so close to doing it, his fingers are moving slowly against the mattress when Eddie speaks. 

“Did we…” Eddie trails off. 

Buck freezes. Mind wiped clean. “Yeah.” 

“Right. Well, I can’t say I saw that one coming.” 

Buck laughs weakly. “Hey, me either man.” 

It’s not a lie. There is no universe in which he could have predicted this. 

They fall into an awkward silence as reality begins to sink in. Buck has absolutely no idea what they are supposed to do. 

“I should probably check to see if that was Carla.” 

“Right, of course.” He agrees, takes one more deep breath before sitting up and moving to the side of the bed. His boxers are resting on the side table. He reaches for them, already moving away, trying to put a little distance between them. “You should… wouldn’t want them getting worried. You should probably have a shower.” 

Eddie must be blushing, there’s dried come flaking off of his chest and abs. Buck can’t look at it—at him. Doesn’t know what his face would look like if he did. 

Eddie laugh’s humourlessly. “You’re probably right.” 

He leaves the bed quietly. Buck can hear him collecting his clothes from the floor, walking the short distance to the bathroom. There’s a moment of quiet, before the pipes clunk and the shower starts. He doesn’t look back once, just reaches for a fresh set of clothes. 

He makes the bed in a daze, letting the familiar movements wash over him in the hope that it will offer some clarity. 

It’s not until the water is shut off and the room is silent again that Buck realises the worst part of this. He’s slept with Eddie in Abby’s apartment. She had told him before she left that it would be okay to do this. She had even meant it. It still feels wrong. 

It feels like an ending, though to what he isn’t sure. 

… 

Eddie finds himself staring in the mirror when he gets out of the shower. There is a soft bruise at the base of his neck that wasn’t there yesterday. He can’t stop looking at it, remembering the look on Buck’s face just after he put it there. 

He remembers parts of the night before, getting back to the firehouse, deciding to stay at Buck’s place to avoid Christopher. He remembers the kitchen and everything that came after it. He can’t stop remembering the way that Buck melted into their kiss, how easily he gave over control, how perfectly their bodies fit together. 

Waking up with Buck in his arms was the culmination of months of longing. He’s been so _good_. It totally sounds like the sort of thing a sleaze bag would say, but it’s the truth. For weeks he’s ignored the voice in his head every time he looked too long – every time he’s looked at Buck and thought what do I want? And then decided that it was too much to ask. Even when they’re working out together and he looks so good, panting and covered in sweat, or each time Buck gets that look on his face when he’s with Christopher like he’s the centre of the world. Then he had to stop himself from imagining them as more – can’t let himself think of them as a family. 

Well, he’s really in it now. 

Eddie has no idea what Buck is thinking. Things had been weirdly normal before. A little tense, but not friendship-altering awkward. Does that mean Buck wants to do this again? Or pretend it never happened? 

He really doesn’t want to leave the moist heat of the bathroom, puts it off as long as possible. He texts Carla, lets her know what's happened and promises to be home in a couple of hours, replies to a message from Abuela, but after that, he doesn’t seem to have many other options. Taking a deep breath, he steels himself and opens the door. 

Wordlessly they both move into the kitchen when Eddie returns from the bathroom. The bed is a constant reminder of the night before. As soon as they enter the room, Eddie’s eyes catch on the glasses, still full of water on the counter. 

Buck must have noticed them too because he moves quickly to the sink and pours them away. Unable to meet Eddie’s eyes the whole time. 

“You know, at some point, you’re going to have to look at me again.” 

Buck’s shoulders tense. 

“I mean, we work together.” 

“We _work_ together?” Buck says incredulously. 

“Okay, so that was an oversimplification.” Eddie sighs. His anxiety rising the longer Buck remains stood at the sink. “Look, just turn around okay?” 

“You turn around.”

They stand in silence for a long moment. 

“So this is going great.” Eddie sighs just as Buck says “Okay, okay,”

His eyes are wide. That’s the first thing that Eddie notices. He’s breathing a little unevenly. Eddie finds his gaze drawn to the – fuck – the line of hickeys on his neck. Other than that he looks exactly the same as he did the day before 

“Thank you,” Eddie says quietly

“For what?” 

“Turning around.” 

Buck laughs humourlessly. 

“So, are you having urges to… I don’t know, find out about the LAFD’s HR support. Or—I don’t know, take a swing at me. You can take a swing if you want, plenty of people have before. I used to be _good_ at this, you know. I was the master at morning afters, not that I got to the morning most of the time—”

Buck is talking so fast that he can’t tell if he’s breathing, it’s just a rush of meaningless words. “You sound insane.” He cuts Buck off. 

“Well I gave you a _handjob_ ,” Buck says shrilly. 

“Um… I’m sorry if I traumatised you or anything.” He replies, trying not to let the slight sting of hurt bleed into his voice. 

“That’s not it Eddie. Of course it wasn’t traumatising. I’m not exactly complaining you’re…” Buck’s whole face flushes. “hot.” 

Eddie can feel the heat rising in his own face. He wants to touch Buck again. He wants to have done this better. Mostly he wants to kiss him again. He feels like maybe Buck might want it too. 

“It’s just…” Buck trails off. “I know that you don’t do this all that often and being your friend is important to me. Being Christopher’s friend is important to me.” Eddie’s heart rate kicks up at the mention of his son. 

“Chris loves you, Buck. I wouldn’t—couldn’t do anything to change that. He’s the most important thing in my life. I would never do anything to hurt him.” _Or you_ he doesn’t say, but he hopes that Buck hears it anyway. 

“Okay. Buck says finally. “So we agree that this was a mistake that we shouldn’t do this again.” 

Eddie’s breath catches in his throat. Only his self-control keeps him from flinching away. The sinking feeling in his chest is still there, though, spreading into his arms, his stomach. That had not been where he thought this conversation was going. 

Stupid. 

He manages to nod, humming affirmatively, but he can’t quite make his voice work. 

The air between them is uncomfortable in a way it hasn’t been in months. It makes something itch at the back of Eddie’s throat. He wishes, desperately, that Buck could be a little _less,_ though he doesn’t know exactly what he could do at this moment to stop Eddie from feeling so helpless in the face of him. He clears his throat. 

“I don’t know what you want me to say, man.” Eddie sighs, rubbing a hand against his forehead. 

“You don’t need to say anything, Eddie.” Buck sighs. “I’m not mad at you. We’re both adults, we both wanted it.” Distress flickers over his face, and Eddie knows exactly what he’s thinking. 

“Yes. Yeah. Of course Buck.” He reassures him. 

Buck’s face relaxes. “Okay then. So it happened, we both agree that it was not the best idea. So we just keep going as friends. This doesn’t have to change anything.” 

“Yes. Absolutely.” Eddie agrees, feeling a little stronger. It’s for the best. They can’t do this again. Once is a mistake, more than that is a pattern, and a pattern is not something Eddie can recover from if Buck isn’t serious about this.

This tenderness that Eddie feels for Buck has been growing for weeks. Buck has been a lifeline in more ways than one. Ever since they moved to LA, Eddie has been drowning, lost in the bureaucracy of healthcare and work and school, struggling desperately to keep his and Christopher’s heads above water. Buck jumped in with him without a second thought, giving them a space in the firehouse, bringing them Carla, always offering a helping hand or a friendly ear. He never treats Chris as anything other than extraordinary. He looks at Eddie and sees him, all of him. This soft feeling has been growing for a long time, spreading under Eddie’s skin, continually pushing him to reach out. To touch. 

For the first time in years, Eddie isn’t consumed with Shannon. So much is still unfinished there, and if he’s honest with himself Eddie still loves her – she’s Christopher’s mom how can he not – but it’s lost the desperate edge that has haunted him ever since she left. He thinks that he might be approaching closure, or as close as he’s going to get without speaking to Shannon. 

That doesn’t mean that Eddie had any intention of acting on these feelings. For one, Buck is clearly in love with Abby and stuck in the echoes of their relationship, which is—all too familiar. He is also far too important, to Eddie and to Christopher to risk. Eddie had quickly resigned himself to this. 

Or at least that’s what he had thought. 

He still can’t quite understand, therefore, how he ended up sleeping with him. 

Oh, he knows what happened, the acid brownies and the quiet intimacy of Buck’s – Abby’s – apartment. They both wanted it, but they shouldn’t have. Eddie should have remembered what was at stake in this. 

Should have realised that is could only lead to one place. Eddie, sat in the kitchen desperately wishing he could erase the past twenty-four hours.

“We’re friends. We work together. There’s no reason that has to change.” Buck smiles at him. 

Eddie smiles back. He has to make this normal. He will not lose Buck over this.

“So, you going to make me breakfast or what? I know Bobby hasn’t been teaching you for nothing.” 

Buck’s whole face lights up in a relieved grin, and Eddie has to swallow around the lump in his throat. 

“Hey, you know it’s my speciality man.” 

He moves to the refrigerator and starts pulling ingredients out onto the counter. He begins to chatter away – so like Christopher in this. It’s just like any other day. Eddie leaps at the chance to settle into their usual rhythm. He puts the coffee pot on and hunts for the sugar, knowing that Buck is going to need it. 

It isn’t awkward, not really. They’ll go and collect Christopher together, maybe take him to the park or something later. Any lingering tension will fade in time, he’s sure. This is best for both of them. 

If he repeats it enough times maybe he’ll start to believe it. 

**Author's Note:**

> And they continue as they do in canon... 
> 
> I've left this as a one-shot, but I do have a decent plan to make a much longer fic in this universe. If that's something y'all would like to see let me know!


End file.
